


Magnum Flower

by Kattlarv



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Arguing, Banter, Canon Relationships, Comedy, Cunt Jokes, Dialogue Heavy, Dirty Jokes, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Frustration, Humorous Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sex, Innuendo, Interspecies Relationship(s), POV Third Person, Parody, Satire, Sex Talk, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattlarv/pseuds/Kattlarv
Summary: The gang is trying to have a wholesome get together after the war... but Perfuma keeps dropping in to talk about her MASSIVE package.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Mermista/Sea Hawk (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra)
Kudos: 12





	Magnum Flower

**Author's Note:**

> (This is purely for comedic purposes, akin to my "Centaur Adora" story. I kept seeing people on various sites joke about how "If Perfuma was genderbent, he would have a MAGNUM DONG!" along with how he'd be super fucking obnoxious with it. I'm not sure where it started. But: I thought it'd be funny to take that concept and run it with a non-genderbent Perfuma. Since I've never seen a fanfic or the like where a character was obnoxious over having a large vulva... or it even talked about tbh)

“Right everyone! Let’s try to get this game night started!” Glimmer chimed cheerily. “I’ve been waiting for this all month!” Adora squeed. “‘Waiting’ is a funny way to explain it.” Catra purred cheekily. “Ugh... do you  **have** to remind us you’re banging every time we’re here? It’s been five months...” Mermista groaned. “Sometimes I miss the year of war...” She sighed. “... it lasted over fifty years...” Glimmer retorted.

“Well, yes. But: I meant since those two dorks joined.” Mermista countered and gestured towards Etheria’s sapphic power couple and shot them a glare. “I swear: If I hear ONE MORE joke between you two about ‘Adora’s pussy’ and ‘Catra’s first one’, I  **am** going to squirt all over you!” she barked. “Is that a threat or a request for a threesome?” Catra replied innocently.

Mermista scrunched her face as her cheeks lit up. “I mean... even I have to admit you handed that to her.” Bow admitted. “Uuugh... can’t we just have one evening without the constant sex talk?” Mermista pleaded. “To be fair... it’s been kinda... the favourite ‘pastime’ by basically everyone ever since the war ended?” Adora interjected. Mermista rubbed her forehead and exhaled deeply.

“I still have  **no** idea how you two stayed virgins... I could cut the sexual tension between you two with a dull trident.” She noted and shook her head. “To be fair: everyone takes their own time. There’s no ‘right time’ to do it at.” Glimmer pointed out. “I know. But miss ‘I sometimes jilled off nine times a day’ over there doesn’t sound like the type to wait...” Mermista shot back.

Adora chuckled sheepishly. “Yeah well... sex and masturbation never quite... clicked for me. It never really crossed my mind that the two were related.” She admitted. “To be honest... I could see that.” Glimmer noted with a chuckle. “I’m not sure that’s a compliment or an insult, Sparkles...” Catra said dryly. “Whatever... let’s just get started with everyone being here.” Mermista exclaimed with an eye-roll.

“Everyone is here, and I’d like to get started without any more sex talk. I don’t overly mind it. But like... it’s gotten to ‘that’ point, you know?” she added with a defeated look. Bow glanced to the sides and scrunched his nose. The sea princess narrowed her eyes and stared intently at the archer. “Bow... what is it you’re not telling me?” she said with unnerving calm. The brunette rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

“I maaay just have invited Perfuma...” he confessed with a fluster. Mermista’s eyes widened. “Oh no... No-no-no!” she groaned. “Wait, I don’t follow. How is Perfuma coming a... bad thing?” Entrapta inquired. “Oh, right uh... you’ve been a bit... absent so to say.” Glimmer responded. “But to give you the compressed version: After she married Scorpia and settled down...” She paused as she searched for the words.

“Perfuma kinda... ‘found herself’ after everything settled down.” She articulated. “That doesn’t sound like anything negative.” Entrapta questioned. "Not normally, no. But Perfuma has gone a little overboard ever since she became Scorpia’s soulmate." Glimmer explained. "Combined with Plumerian culture, and the world no longer in peril: she really... 'took off'. So to speak.” Bow noted. 

“And when one of the most sexually liberated people on Etheria becomes... 'sexually liberated' then well..." He added. "She's insufferable." Mermista interjected. Glimmer shot her a glare. "What? I'm just saying it like it is." Mermista countered. "She found out she's **really** well endowed. And for some reason: she takes serious pride in bragging about it. It’s not like her to be so... flaunting.” She finished.

“I believe I may have read something about that. But I’ve never experienced it in real life!” Entrapta chimed. Catra exchanged a glance with the queen. “So... how’s the whole Hordak situation going?” she asked, trying to change the topic. “Ooh! It is going forward. He is still confined on beast island as part of his ‘rehabilitation’ and ‘community service’.” Entrapta explained with gestures.

“We have gotten rid of the more murdery parts of the island!” she squeed. “I just wish I could spend more time with him and Wrong Hordak... and the other clones... and Darla... but I have my own growing to do... that and the court mandate.” She noted. “To be fair: I think it's good that you have some... ‘alone time’, so to speak. You’ve learned a lot over these past two years.” Catra noted.

“Ain’t the only one.” Glimmer teased with a nudge. “Yeah, well... I’d say we’ve all done some growing.” Catra sniped back. “I’m growing right now~” Adora chimed with a sultry tone. Everyone froze and glanced over at the blonde. Catra patted her girlfriend on the lap. “No, bad Adora! Not here!” she hissed softly. “Oh, I thought we were doing the thing...” Adora admitted with a fluster.

Mermista groaned and rubbed her temple. “I just asked that we NOT do the thing here today.” She said, exacerbated. “Oh, sorry. I kinda spaced out.” Adora said sheepishly. “Whatever: Let’s just get going.” Mermista huffed. “I don’t get it though... I thought you loved talking about how you have Sea Hawk sit in your lap and ‘talk about the first thing to come up’?” Adora questioned.

The sea princess's cheeks heated up as she cleared her throat. “Well, yes... but that’s  **not** during our game nights... I wait until we are at a more... appropriate time and location.” She elaborated. “Time and place as they say.” She added. “So... what does this have to do with Perfuma?“ Entrapta inquired. “Let’s just say she’s the reason Frosta isn’t invited to these get togethers...” Mermista grumbled.

Glimmer forced a smile. “L-Let’s just hope she was busy today?” she offered hopefully. “Yeah, sometimes she just sends a note on whatever ‘came up’ that she’s busy with... in graphic detail...” Bow recounted. Mermista glared at the archer. “I hope for your sake that wasn’t yet another clit joke.” She said coldly. “Oh, uh... no, I-I meant as in contextually!” Bow blurted out.

Mermista narrowed her eyes. “Well alright, but you’re on thin ice...” She replied. “W-Well, what do you guys want to play tonight? I was thinking we could try out ‘Orcs and Accountants’, it's the second edition. They have greatly improved the algebra mechanics.” Bow offered. Catra shot him a deadpan. “Yeah... no. We’re here to unwind. Not do stupid maths. That’s not what tabletop is about.” Catra scoffed.

Adora exchanged a nervous glance with Glimmer. The queen raised a brow, followed by Adora slowly shaking her head pleadingly. “So... Do you think Perfuma will revert to her regular behaviour eventually?” Entrapta interjected, much to Adora’s delight. “I certainly believe so.” Glimmer replied. “Excuse me in advance Mermista but: Adora and Catra have certainly... ‘toned it down’...” She explained.

The pair grinned sheepishly and fidgeted. “We weren’t  **that** bad.” Catra protested. “... we could hear AND see you through our balcony...” The pinkette shot back. Catra lowered her ears as her cheeks lit up. “Y-Yeah well... you know how it is...” Catra rubbed the back of her head. Glimmer flushed and adjusted her bangs. “Heh... yeah...” She sighed wistfully. Adora tensed up as she scrunched her face.

“What?” Bow asked in confusion. “What?” Glimmer replied and laughed awkwardly. “What?” Catra deflected. “I too have indulged in the Adora!” Entrapta chimed cheerily. Mermista pouted and hung her head. “Wait, how have I been left out of this? Intel is my thing!” Double Trouble asked, offended. Catra’s eyes locked on the money lizard in surprise. But before she could react, the door was kicked in.

“Whaddap bitches?!” Perfuma exclaimed as she power slid into the room. The tension could be cut with a butter knife. “I hope ya’ll didn’t start without me!” she said huskily. “P-Perfuma! Where’s Scorpia?” Bow blurted out politely. “Oh, poor girl is having trouble walking straight, if you know what I mean~” Perfuma replied and flicked her golden locks provocatively with a grin. 

She casually walked towards the group. As she got to the couches, something square shaped fell out of her dress. “Whoopsie~” she said as she bent over to pick it up. “An... XXXL lickpatch?” Catra remarked. “Oh, It’s just for my MAGNUM CLAM!” Perfuma said with glee and leaned in close towards the feline. There were two soft thuds against the carpet as the group followed the noise.

Two fist sized, perfectly smooth gems laid on the group. “Oops, clumsy me. Those are just my kegel stones~” Perfuma whispered coyly. “Okay, wow... I’ve had a mare’s... equipment, and even I think that is a bit ludicrous...” Double Trouble chimed in. Mermista stared dumbfounded before she sputtered. “Why would you even NEED those!?” she asked as she gestured with her hands.

“Oh, nothing much... Scorpia just wanted to try out fisting~” Perfuma said dismissively. “She... doesn’t even have fists.” Glimmer pointed out, mildly distressed. A shit eating grin spread across Perfuma’s features. “... part of me feels personally attacked...” Catra stated. She quickly recomposed herself. “Actually, what are THEY doing here?” she hissed and pointed towards the merc.

Glimmer squirmed in her seat. “Well... the war is over and all that... and they  **did** help us secure the victory... and they reached out a few weeks back and-” Catra raised a finger to cut off the other girl. “Okay, geez fine... second chances and all that. But a heads up would have been nice...” She said grumpily. “Oh, they mostly work heads down!” Perfuma piped up and held up her hand, getting a high five from Adora.

“ADORA!” Catra hissed. “But... I can’t leave them hanging...” The first one said with a pout. Catra froze for a moment. “Wait... you’re a sex worker now?” she asked, baffled. “Don’t look so surprised kitten~ I can make  **anything,** an art form~” DT purred. “I am fully aware it’s totally acceptable and not illegal but: I have STRONG moral concerns about the shapeshifting in this regard...” Catra objected.

“Don’t look so sad kitten~ Yes, that is true but... I sadly have to disclose that before any... services~” DT replied. “A shame if you ask me, as it takes away from the mystique but... the show must go on~” they said and waved a hand dismissively. “A horse you said?” Adora inquired as she moved a pillow over her lap. Catra smacked her girlfriend with a newspaper. “NO! BAD!” she barked.

Adora frowned and whimpered. The reptilian gave the heroine a sly wink. “I have no idea what is going on, but I don’t like it...” Mermista groaned as she sunk into her palms. “So... think you could copy me?” Perfuma asked flirtatiously. “I’m a professional expert... not a miracle worker.” DT countered and crossed their arms in defeat. “That does it!” Mermista said with a sudden outburst.

“HOW are you able to be this horny?!” she exclaimed. Perfuma smiled seductively at the other princess. “Oh, let’s just say that we have... ‘the good shit’ in Plumeria, if you know what I mean~” she whispered and clicked her tongue. “Besides: We’re only two thirds into the Plumeria Sutra~” she noted innocently. Glimmer’s eyes widened. “Those are like... 800 pages!” she gasped.

“Not any more: We made some additions~” Perfuma said dismissively with a coy wink. “I’m starting to regret every decision that led to this moment...” Bow murmured to himself as he squeezed his wife's hand. Glimmer softly gave him a reassuring rub on the back. “So... what types of... ‘games’ did you have in mind?” Perfuma emphasized the word with a hot breath.

“My moonshine has quite a selection of favourites~” she added huskily. “By the twelve! That’s it! I’m done!” Mermista burst out. “But it’s princess game night...” Entrapta said with a frown.” I can’t take her rubbing it in my face any more!” Mermista stated bluntly and stood up. “Oh, trust me sweetie: If I did that; you wouldn’t be able to see!” Perfuma stated emphatically.

“... If I’d be unable to hear either, I might consider that offer.” The mistress of the sea replied as hope drained from her eyes. “Is this where we begin spinning of bottles?” Entrapta naively asked. Adora bashfully adjusted her pillow. Catra softly facepalmed. “Adora... we’ve been over this: It only shows if you’re not wearing pants... you’re bringing attention to something they wouldn’t know otherwise.” She said, defeated.

“Can this day get  **any** worse?!” Mermista groaned into her elbow crease. “WAIT, NO!” Glimmer shouted and reached towards the princess. But it was too late. The mosaic, panoramic window shattered into a thousand pieces as a large figure burst into the room. Everyone jumped, started as the figure emerged from the destruction. “DID SOMEBODY SAY SWIFT WIND!?” echoed throughout the room.


End file.
